TOYS YOU WISH YOU HAD AS A KID

When I was a little Junior Evil Genius, I had some pretty cool toys. Unless you count all the damn Barbie dolls my family bought me, that is. What was up with that? All I wanted was a kickass Tonka truck or a Big Wheel. Sadly, because I was born with a vagina, I got Barbie.  

But this is what I did to her and all her little Barbie friends:

Now don't get all righteous and silly...I'm an Evil Genius, after all. What did you THINK I was gonna do with dolls? I just happen to be a tomboy, too. 

Anyway, back in the good ole days, there were definitely some cool toys that every kid wanted at one time or another. No longer content with the basics like Slinky and Bucket O' Slime, we wanted bigger and better, and the toy manufacturers obliged us. We got toys that educated, amazed and entertained us. We got He-Man, Speak & Spell, Rubik's Cube and talking robots named Casey.

But occasionally, the toy manufacturers got it WRONG. Thank Dog for photos.

SOME EPIC TOY FAILS YOU WISH YOU HAD AS A KID.

This is Marvel's Wolverine Thunderstick. It's an inflatable toy hammer that Little Timmy can use to pound his baby sister safely, emitting a very super-heroic-sounding "Squeak!" upon impact. But check out the position of the blow-hole...no doubt Little Timmy will be able to practice other skills, as well. 

And then there was the Nintendo ad for the Turbo Touch game system. Little boys everywhere were encouraged to blow, er...breathe some new life into their friends game systems. Yeah. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. 

How's THIS for inappropriate? The Punisher action figure. Another superhero fail. Hey kids, don't get too close, or The Punisher might just go off! Call it a premature ejection, if you will. Seriously... who thought putting a cannon in his loins was a good idea? At least it's orange-tipped, for safety. And don't even get me started on the phallic-shaped dart that actually shoots from said groin-cannon. Gives whole new meaning to the term 'crotch rocket', eh?

This is not so inappropriate as it is just plain unbelievable. I wonder which spell-checker they used? No wonder Little Timmy is dumber than his pet turtle. 

Another top-notch spell-checker at work.  

(What the hell is a 'Sky Sufer', anyway?  A bargain at only $3.99!)

Here's a classic DC Comics toy. Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet. Look closely...it's only made to look like a jet. This was marketed as an EMPTY package. Genius.

And when Little Timmy whines for a cool superhero figure, but Mom or Dad can't afford the Supermans and the Spidermans of the world, why not settle for...(wait for it...) Spaderman! Yes, that's right kids...it's Spaderman to the rescue! You can find him hiding out on the clearance shelves at your neighborhood .99¢ store. 

Finally, if Spaderman isn't enough for Little Timmy, how about the hot new trend in superhero figures—Super S. Heros (sic)? Who needs Superman (or even Spaderman), when Super S. will save the day? Just look at his feet—don't tell me he's not ready to kick some ass.  

 

(thanks to www.bootlegactionfigures.com for the last two images)

And parents...if, while you're out shopping for those fancy schmancy toys and you find your wee one begging to go on a ride that looks like this....YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE. And you're probably being videotaped by a giant perv. Just sayin'.